First and foremost there is a lot that has happened in my life that I haven’t been sharing. Second I deeply regret that because for me blogging is very therapeutic, and it helps me figure out what’s happening in my life. So please bear with me as I give you a very long life update. I will try to keep it short and sweet, but if you know me I ramble So…
Well, A LOT has happened since I lasted blogged.
So that whole being bold thing, kinda got cut off, I mean I joined the track team and was crazy busy with school, but that’s no excuse!!
Now that is out of the way I can get to the really icky stuff. So I always thought that my parents being separated when I was 3 and divorced shortly after never really had any effect on me, I mean I knew it did, but I have never really thought that my childhood was traumatic, but as I have gotten older it has effected me in more way’s than I ever thought possible. What’s weird it that it’s just hitting me now.
I mean going into high school, an not doing cross country anymore, played a major part in my mental health. I was really depressed and honestly, had a major culture shock. I had always known the world was messed up but I wasn’t really fully exposed to it until high school. I won’t go into to much detail but basically, I was really depressed and suicidal and had this weird voice in my head that kinda would tell me what to do. I never really listen though.
So I wasn’t doing Cross Country anymore (XC) but I still ate like I did and so I gained some weight, I wasn’t overweight or anything, but I wasn’t a stick anymore, and that kinda bugged me, but not enough to change it. Then I did off an on dieting and tried to exercise regularly but had no motivation (yay depression). Well then sophomore year rolls around and my cousin had a wedding so my mom, my sister and I, all went on a diet, well let’s just say I had very little discipline and loved food so much, so I kinda failed, I just keep, gaining and losing gaining and losing till I finally gave up. Well then I had to find a dress, my sister had a dress from another wedding but it was way too small for her, so I tried it on. It fit me but it was a little tight and I wanted to look, and feel good it in. So about a week before the wedding, I barely ate anything at all an well, I lost the weight and fast.
And I loved that so much, I love how easy it was to control how I looked simply by obsessing over the food being put in my lip’s or lack thereof. So that’s when it started. My disorder eating, that would slowly turn into an eating disorder. (Now before I go any further I want to state that I have never actually been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I think you will see that it is safe to say, I have one).
Then the holiday’s happened and I gained weight, but with the new year coming, I had this whole big new year’s resolution, go see previous blogs, to be the best me in every way, mentally, physically and spiritually. Well needless to say I got a Fitbit and got into working out. I mean it was fine for a while, but then I went on a winter retreat with my church and one of my friend’s just got dumped by her boyfriend, so I wanted to be sure to be with her the whole time, well needless to say she struggles with disordered eating too so she didn’t eat at all during the retreat, so neither did I.
Well, I loved the results, so the whole next week I ended up only eating dinner, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t eat at all. Well, it caused me to binge, and gain back all I had lost and then some. So then I yoyo dieted and in the end just gave up, with the knowledge that I would probably do track, and I did, I decided to give short distance a try. I loved it still do, but my relationship with food was not good so I would never really eat properly causing me not to be the best runner, I was really weak and really dizzy all the time, and was always last, which made me feel really guilty, and I thought if only I was smaller then I would be fast. Well, I got to my lowest weight, I was 5’8 and weighed 126 lbs witch is small. But after that, I binged and gained some weight, then track season was over and then summer began I tried to go vegan, but it didn’t work very well and I ended up gaining a bit of weight. Then school started, and I did more yoyo dieting, only to leave me, hating myself even more, because I couldn’t lose weight.
Well until recently, that is. So at this point in Junior year, I decided to try out for the school play, and do theatre. Well, I didn’t get any part’s which is sad but not surprising, Westfield has very talented actors. So I decided to do tech, so I could still be a part of the play. I loved it so much, but it’s kinda a stressful environment, and the way I cope with stress it by controlling what I eat.
This year the performances happened to fall on the first week in the second trimester, which means that we had hell week during finals week. Hell week just means that we are at the school until 8:30 or 9 pm every night, they feed us, which means that I barely ate, because it was all deemed unsafe according to my disordered thought’s (for they sack of you and me let’s just name them Ana). So I was letting these thoughts slowly take over. Well then on Wednesday, during hell week, after I already had a really hard day at school and added on to that a long day at practice. I was so ready just to finish my homework, and just go to bed, I was in no stable place to handle what was about to happen.
Shortly after I got into the car my mom told me that when she got home she heard this awful wailing like someone was crying, as she went inside she heard my sister crying, and she said look at Merida’s butt, Merida’s my guinea pig, mom said it was all bloody and gross, and that Meliah ( my sister) cleaned out the cage and is mad that you lied and said it was clean, so just be prepared. Oof just what I needed, I tried to mentally prepare myself but knew that I wouldn’t be able to stay calm. So at this point, I’m dreading going home, and kinda panicking, because I don’t know what’s about to happen. Well I get inside and Meliah is standing at the door to the entryway, so I go to put my stuff done, and say hi. Then she says well I found the guinea pigs a new home. I heard, mom told me, was my reply. Then she made me go downstairs(that’s where the guinea pigs are), and hold, the really skinny, sick, remains of what was supposed to be my guinea pig.
The following is what I wrote to some friends, who also struggle with eating disorders, about what happened. “guys, I need to rant. something happened to one of my guinea pigs. I would always promise her that in be a better piggie mom, and take better care of her but I was so busy, I didn’t realize how sick she got (by this time I kinda started over on a new diet thingy cuz of the new trimester and wanting a fresh start for the holidays coming up so was doing really well) I was really busy and stuff then when I get home from play rehearsal my mom tells me, my sister’s really mad at me I told her I cleaned the cage but I didn’t (thought I would have time later that day) never got around to it. oh and usually whenever I promise something I make sure I can keep it except when it came to my piggies. well anyway my sister shows me my dying piggies butt it was all bloody, and then made me weigh her( keep in mind that I raised her from a little baby piggie) at this I point I was crying (hadn’t eaten all day I was fasting) I felt so God awful that I practically killed her, so we found them a better home. Me sad cuz of them leaving and me being an awful mom, grabbed the healthy one (scared I was going to crush the skinny one) I went into my room and cried, then thought about it put her away played with the sick one and promised her that since she was half the weigh she is supposed to be I would get to half my weight or at least die trying. I promised that this promise I would keep since she would never know if I’d get there or not, and I had to keep this promise and tell no one (that would help me get better) that is our little secret on her what now I know was her death bed. For her for her. so we gave her away my sister thinking the only thing wrong with her was that her cagemate was a food bully and that if we separated them she would gain weight and be fine so my sister didn’t think it was necessary to tell the family, she was sick. (also I have these weird nudges that I know when something bad is going to happen well I knew someone was gonna die but I thought I was gonna be my sister because it was in a not so great place and she posted them for free on craigslist) So my sister takes the piggie to the new home they have 4 kids the oldest was 16 and I think the youngest was 4 or 5 then some in between well my sister wakes me up and asked where mom is then she said something bad happened to the piggie,… she died, I look at her not really shocked and said it was probably because of her being so skinny and then the stress from moving to new home. I said that and Meliah (my sister) said the parent texted me and said why did you give us a sick piggie our 4-5-year-old found it lying still in the cage and came and go me, it wasn’t moving or breathing, Meliah had no idea that she could have died or she wouldn’t have given her away. So really my piggies death is all my fault and now I have to go down just like her… she was so much like me. okay well, that’s what my eating disorder wants me to think that it is all my fault but in reality, I’m pretty sure she had cancer because a while before the vet said shes got a lump in her ovary, is probably just a cyst but it could be cancer. That’s why she wasn’t eating. Most of this is true but at this point, I don’t know what my ed(eating disorder) had made me believe, to make me feel worse, and eat less.”
So she died and well as you can see, Ana used it against me. So I set some goals for the new trimester. I was only to eat dinner, and if I had to, lunch but that meant no dinner. Oh, and I had to take these fat burner pills every day, an drink at least 1 cup of tea, but more like 2, I also had to drink 3 water bottles of water. And I succeed and let me tell you the first week and a half of the new tri was the worst of my entire life, I lost 12 lb’s in 8 or 9 days and school that I used to always enjoy was so dreadfully painful.
Well anyway, I ended up having a really hard weekend and then Monday 11/18/19 I had a breakdown/ panic attack in Miss. Stephen’s class( she’s my favorite teacher by the way) and so she came out and talked to me, I have talked to her about my disordered eat and stuff before. She talks to me a bit which was helpful, then the class was over so I had to go but my next teacher was really skinny and kinda a major trigger, so Stephens, God bless her soul, took me down the counselor’s and I got to pet our school’s service dog,(thank’s Stephens).
To sum it all up since I caught everyone up, I’m going to be recovering, I know it’s going to be hard. However I’m going to resonate on God’s Love for me, so I can finally see, but mostly feel and accept his love, and in turn everyone else’s love for me, that I had previously been refusing. I know it’s going to be hard, but with the power of God, support from my dear friends and family, and my amazing teacher’s I know I can do it. I also am going to be blogging my journey of recovery. It’s going to be very dark, and icky, but I’m going to do my best to be as real and as vulnerable as possible. To show the true transformation, that is just starting.
Also thanks for those who made it this far, sorry for the long one.