Love

 First and foremost there is a lot that has happened in my life that I haven’t been sharing. Second I deeply regret that because for me blogging is very therapeutic, and it helps me figure out what’s happening in my life. So please bear with me as I give you a very long life update. I will try to keep it short and sweet, but if you know me I ramble So…

       Well, A LOT has happened since I lasted blogged.

So that whole being bold thing, kinda got cut off, I mean I joined the track team and was crazy busy with school, but that’s no excuse!!

Now that is out of the way I can get to the really icky stuff. So I always thought that my parents being separated when I was 3 and divorced shortly after never really had any effect on me, I mean I knew it did, but I have never really thought that my childhood was traumatic, but as I have gotten older it has effected me in more way’s than I ever thought possible. What’s weird it that it’s just hitting me now.

I mean going into high school, an not doing cross country anymore, played a major part in my mental health. I was really depressed and honestly, had a major culture shock. I had always known the world was messed up but I wasn’t really fully exposed to it until high school. I won’t go into to much detail but basically, I was really depressed and suicidal and had this weird voice in my head that kinda would tell me what to do. I never really listen though.

So I wasn’t doing Cross Country anymore (XC) but I still ate like I did and so I gained some weight, I wasn’t overweight or anything, but I wasn’t a stick anymore, and that kinda bugged me, but not enough to change it. Then I did off an on dieting and tried to exercise regularly but had no motivation (yay depression). Well then sophomore year rolls around and my cousin had a wedding so my mom, my sister and I, all went on a diet, well let’s just say I had very little discipline and loved food so much, so I kinda failed, I just keep, gaining and losing gaining and losing till I finally gave up. Well then I had to find a dress, my sister had a dress from another wedding but it was way too small for her, so I tried it on. It fit me but it was a little tight and I wanted to look, and feel good it in. So about a week before the wedding, I barely ate anything at all an well, I lost the weight and fast.

And I loved that so much, I love how easy it was to control how I looked simply by obsessing over the food being put in my lip’s or lack thereof. So that’s when it started. My disorder eating, that would slowly turn into an eating disorder. (Now before I go any further I want to state that I have never actually been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I think you will see that it is safe to say, I have one).

Then the holiday’s happened and I gained weight, but with the new year coming, I had this whole big new year’s resolution, go see previous blogs, to be the best me in every way, mentally, physically and spiritually. Well needless to say I got a Fitbit and got into working out. I mean it was fine for a while, but then I went on a winter retreat with my church and one of my friend’s just got dumped by her boyfriend, so I wanted to be sure to be with her the whole time, well needless to say she struggles with disordered eating too so she didn’t eat at all during the retreat, so neither did I.

Well, I loved the results, so the whole next week I ended up only eating dinner, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t eat at all. Well, it caused me to binge, and gain back all I had lost and then some. So then I yoyo dieted and in the end just gave up, with the knowledge that I would probably do track, and I did, I decided to give short distance a try. I loved it still do, but my relationship with food was not good so I would never really eat properly causing me not to be the best runner, I was really weak and really dizzy all the time, and was always last, which made me feel really guilty, and I thought if only I was smaller then I would be fast. Well, I got to my lowest weight, I was 5’8 and weighed 126 lbs witch is small. But after that, I binged and gained some weight, then track season was over and then summer began I tried to go vegan, but it didn’t work very well and I ended up gaining a bit of weight. Then school started, and I did more yoyo dieting, only to leave me, hating myself even more, because I couldn’t lose weight. 

  Well until recently, that is. So at this point in Junior year, I decided to try out for the school play, and do theatre. Well, I didn’t get any part’s which is sad but not surprising, Westfield has very talented actors. So I decided to do tech, so I could still be a part of the play. I loved it so much, but it’s kinda a stressful environment, and the way I cope with stress it by controlling what I eat.

This year the performances happened to fall on the first week in the second trimester, which means that we had hell week during finals week. Hell week just means that we are at the school until 8:30 or 9 pm every night, they feed us, which means that I barely ate, because it was all deemed unsafe according to my disordered thought’s (for they sack of you and me let’s just name them Ana). So I was letting these thoughts slowly take over. Well then on Wednesday, during hell week, after I already had a really hard day at school and added on to that a long day at practice. I was so ready just to finish my homework, and just go to bed, I was in no stable place to handle what was about to happen.

Shortly after I got into the car my mom told me that when she got home she heard this awful wailing like someone was crying, as she went inside she heard my sister crying, and she said look at Merida’s butt, Merida’s my guinea pig, mom said it was all bloody and gross, and that Meliah ( my sister) cleaned out the cage and is mad that you lied and said it was clean, so just be prepared. Oof just what I needed, I tried to mentally prepare myself but knew that I wouldn’t be able to stay calm. So at this point, I’m dreading going home, and kinda panicking, because I don’t know what’s about to happen. Well I get inside and Meliah is standing at the door to the entryway, so I go to put my stuff done, and say hi. Then she says well I found the guinea pigs a new home.  I heard, mom told me, was my reply. Then she made me go downstairs(that’s where the guinea pigs are), and hold, the really skinny, sick, remains of what was supposed to be my guinea pig. 

       The following is what I wrote to some friends, who also struggle with eating disorders, about what happened.      “guys, I need to rant. something happened to one of my guinea pigs. I would always promise her that in be a better piggie mom, and take better care of her but I was so busy, I didn’t realize how sick she got (by this time I kinda started over on a new diet thingy cuz of the new trimester and wanting a fresh start for the holidays coming up so was doing really well) I was really busy and stuff then when I get home from play rehearsal my mom tells me, my sister’s really mad at me I told her I cleaned the cage but I didn’t (thought I would have time later that day) never got around to it. oh and usually whenever I promise something I make sure I can keep it except when it came to my piggies. well anyway my sister shows me my dying piggies butt it was all bloody, and then made me weigh her( keep in mind that I raised her from a little baby piggie) at this I point I was crying (hadn’t eaten all day I was fasting) I felt so God awful that I practically killed her, so we found them a better home. Me sad cuz of them leaving and me being an awful mom, grabbed the healthy one (scared I was going to crush the skinny one) I went into my room and cried, then thought about it put her away played with the sick one and promised her that since she was half the weigh she is supposed to be I would get to half my weight or at least die trying. I promised that this promise I would keep since she would never know if I’d get there or not, and I had to keep this promise and tell no one (that would help me get better) that is our little secret on her what now I know was her death bed. For her for her. so we gave her away my sister thinking the only thing wrong with her was that her cagemate was a food bully and that if we separated them she would gain weight and be fine so my sister didn’t think it was necessary to tell the family, she was sick. (also I have these weird nudges that I know when something bad is going to happen well I knew someone was gonna die but I thought I was gonna be my sister because it was in a not so great place and she posted them for free on craigslist) So my sister takes the piggie to the new home they have 4 kids the oldest was 16 and I think the youngest was 4 or 5 then some in between well my sister wakes me up and asked where mom is then she said something bad happened to the piggie,… she died, I look at her not really shocked and said it was probably because of  her being so skinny and then the stress from moving to new home. I said that and Meliah (my sister) said the parent texted me and said why did you give us a sick piggie our 4-5-year-old found it lying still in the cage and came and go me, it wasn’t moving or breathing, Meliah had no idea that she could have died or she wouldn’t have given her away. So really my piggies death is all my fault and now I have to go down just like her… she was so much like me. okay well, that’s what my eating disorder wants me to think that it is all my fault but in reality, I’m pretty sure she had cancer because a while before the vet said shes got a lump in her ovary, is probably just a cyst but it could be cancer. That’s why she wasn’t eating. Most of this is true but at this point, I don’t know what my ed(eating disorder) had made me believe, to make me feel worse, and eat less.” 

So she died and well as you can see, Ana used it against me. So I set some goals for the new trimester.  I was only to eat dinner, and if I had to, lunch but that meant no dinner. Oh, and I had to take these fat burner pills every day, an drink at least 1 cup of tea, but more like 2, I also had to drink 3 water bottles of water. And I succeed and let me tell you the first week and a half of the new tri was the worst of my entire life, I lost 12 lb’s in 8 or 9 days and school that I used to always enjoy was so dreadfully painful.

Well anyway, I ended up having a really hard weekend and then Monday 11/18/19 I had a breakdown/ panic attack in Miss. Stephen’s class( she’s my favorite teacher by the way) and so she came out and talked to me, I have talked to her about my disordered eat and stuff before. She talks to me a bit which was helpful, then the class was over so I had to go but my next teacher was really skinny and kinda a major trigger, so Stephens, God bless her soul, took me down the counselor’s and I got to pet our school’s service dog,(thank’s Stephens).

To sum it all up since I caught everyone up, I’m going to be recovering, I know it’s going to be hard. However I’m going to resonate on God’s Love for me, so I can finally see, but mostly feel and accept his love, and in turn everyone else’s love for me, that I had previously been refusing. I know it’s going to be hard, but with the power of God, support from my dear friends and family, and my amazing teacher’s I know I can do it. I also am going to be blogging my journey of recovery. It’s going to be very dark, and icky, but I’m going to do my best to be as real and as vulnerable as possible. To show the true transformation, that is just starting.

Also thanks for those who made it this far, sorry for the long one.

 

A month of boldness

It has been a hectic month that’s is for sure. I choose boldness as my word this year an wow has God worked.

Winter retreat was so incredible. The theme was outside the lines, so in a way they talked about being bold. Ben the speaker talk about how someone’s going to be awakened and follow the dream or vission , to fulfill Gods purpose. I truly feel like I have a passion for God and that I’m really meant God at showing love to others. Then there was someone in my cabin that I felt I could love and it hurt me so badly. I keep yelling at God not understanding why I couldn’t love her even though I love everyone else. So I prayed that God would help me love her the same way he does. The Next day went to the morning session. Ben talked about how we might be saved but we haven’t let God rescue us. Most of my life I have been saved but I have never really let God rescue me, and I have never truly put my burdens on God which is why he sent Jesus.

Sometime during the weekend one of the senior leaders said Natalie what you are praying over Grace (my friend) you have to believe it about yourself, how can you show them what it truly means if you don’t believe it for yourself. This stuck with me. How I can I so to other what Gods love for them is like when I couldn’t even love myself. And I didn’t accept God’s love for me. During worship the song Reckless Love came on let me tell you. I was completely filled with the love that God has for me.

I am rescued.

I am worthy

I am a bride of the king

I am a child of God who love me more than I can understand.

I was filled with that Joy for so long. I pray that I can find that Joy again.

Throughout the month I figured out that I need to lo e badly so that’s how I have adapeted the word for this year. And honestly I’m probably going to be on the word bold for my life time cuz there is so much power behind that simple four letter word.

This month has been crazy. It has been full of ups and downs but through it all I know that God is with me and I can be bold.

* unedited *

New Year’s Resolution

I have never been a huge fan of New Year’s resolutions they also end up never working for more than a month or so. The only resolution I ever really set was to get better grades or to be more Godly. This year things are going to change, my New Year’s resolution for 2019 is going to change my life completely but in the best way. I know you all are wondering what is such a big deal that it’s going to change my life you need a little background info.

I am an ENFP personality type for Myer Briggs test, for the Enneagram, I am a 2 which is the helper personality. My whole life that I can remember I have been devoted to helping others. I have ALWAYs put others before myself even if they were my enemy. I have lived my 15 years this way, pour everything I have and more into others. I care so much about other people it’s crazy, and people think I’m crazy. Just google ENFP’s and you’ll find that we are reflexive thinkers, the most introverted extrovert. we need to be alone but at the same time, we get our energy from being with people. We live by our emotions completely, at least I do. Over the years I have pushed myself aside focusing solely on others. I’ve realized that by pushing myself aside I’m really hurting others because I can’t full pour into them without being the best I can be. Imagine it like a big bucket that is not even halfway full, and then there’s a smaller bucket that must be filled by the first bucket. The first bucket pours all its content into the second but the first is empty. I’m like the first bucket they second bucket represents the others I help. I’m so worried about others that I don’t take time to care for me but then by doing that I can’t help other to my full potential and I get burnt out.

Now that you are informed I can finally tell you by resolution. I’m going to strive to be the best me I can be, physically, spiritually and mentally. I know that seems like a lot to do, but I have a plan that makes it easy. Just take it one day at a time, I’m going to read 1 verse of the bible every morning and slow increase the amount I read each day, i’m going to pray every morning before school, and slowly I will start to pray every time I hear the school bell ring, and then pray every time I see this color or that certain thing. You see I’m going to set a goal for each day, by saying one thing I can do that day in each category to be the best me for that day. Also, I know I’m going to one new thing every 30 days so than in 2019 I will have done 12 new things. The key to success is not perfection, my best may never be “perfect”  because nothing is perfect but simple taking it one day at a time a see where it leaves me in the end. A wise woman engraved this quote into me “Good better best never let it rest till your good is better and your better is best”‘. I have an accountability partner is a huge help, Kiley, my best friend is going to help keep me in check. She is amazing LOVE YOU KILEY!!!

This change is going to help me especially with college preparation starting next year, I want to be in the best position to make these life-changing decisions, every decision I make I want to pray about fully. Besides my resolution, I’m going to choose a word to focus on in 2019 I haven’t prayed enough about it to know what word but I will keep you posted. Happy Hoildays!                      

Edited by: Kiley Phillips                                                                   Love,
Natalie

 

 

It’s Been a While

  God is my refuge. I want to love and adore him, not run from him. High school is hard, people can be mean, but don’t let that hold you back from God. Something I often do let something or someone hold me back from getting closer to the God I love and desire to learn more about. I am here to say that I’m done doing that, acting like I have no time to be with God yet I watch TV and ride the bus waisting time. Instead, I should be sitting and reading the bible or pray, and listening to what God has to say.

My brother Ian had a friend over who went on the World Race with him, and throughout the week I really got close with her, she is fantastic by the way, turn out she and I are really similar. We have the same personality based on the Enneagram, we both are the 2w3 which is the helping personality. As I learned more about her, I felt like I could tell her everything. I ended up emailing her when I was at school about something that I was struggling with. I had mixed emotions about telling her or not, not knowing how she would respond. I sent it anyway, I knew she would probably tell my parents, so when I saw her going to talk to my mom, I felt super anxious and angry at my self for sending it to her. Then I went to my room and calmed myself down and read my bible until they were done talking. I came back out, but I kept thinking about how much trouble I was going to be in. The day went on from there pretty normally. Finally, it came time to say goodbye to my brother’s friend that I love so much. I went to hug her bye, and she says “I got your email, I just want to let you know that I showed your mom, I love you so much girly pop ( I love when she says girly pop) you are so sweet, it was so nice to meet you”. In all my time of sharing my struggles to people they always, go behind my back keeping it a secret and tell my mom. She was the first person to actually tell me she told them, not me having to wait when they call me in their room and talk with them. It gave me this fantastic peace, and joy even though I was super sad that she left. As the day went on, I lost that joy and peace, so I want to listen to some new music to cheer me up. I went on Spotify and found one of Ian’s playlists and listened to it, the first song that came on was about letting go. At that moment I just prayed and asked God to take control of my emotion, which I’ve never thought to do before. I asked God to give me a strong desire to cling to him instead of run away, right after that I found a fantastic plan on the Bible app and started it. The plan is about what I struggle with what I just emailed my brother’s friend about.

Today at church the sermon was about receiving grace upon grace, and how it is the fullness of Jesus that is the basis of everything we receive. Pastor Mark said that He is like an ocean that never runs dry, Are you weary? Run to him. Are you discouraged? Sit at his feet. Are you mourning? Come to the empty tomb. Are you doubting? Feel his hand and side. Are you successful? See his glory. Are you happy? Make your joy in him. Whatever your need: run to him because we receive from him. Exactly that, I need to run to him not away from him, God can give me the desire to love him and what to cling to him. That’s the piece I’ve all ways been missing, They desire doesn’t have to come to form me a sinner, but God shall give me the desire, I just had to ask. After church, I kept seeing God in everything and thanking God for his beautiful creation.

 

Dear God,

      I pray you would continue to give me the desire to want to cling to you, give me the strength to love others as you love. I pray you would give me the wisdom to understand you, please give me the patience to take time to seek you and hear from you. Let me see my self as you see me and accept and believe that I am made in your image. Let me believe that my body is like a temple that you created. Let me believe that I am beautiful. Let me believe in all these things so that I can help others. Which is completely what I’m meant to do (after all I am the Helper personality). Let find my worth completely in you so I can be an example to others. Help me find the joy in the smallest things so I can be in awe by the big things. Let my eyes see you, let my hands and feet serve for you, let my word come from you, let my heart flow with you so that I can be a Little Wray of sunshine to those in the darkness. Let me be completely your servant. Allow me to live in complete obedience to you God. I pray all these things in your name.     

                                                                                      Amen

 

That’s all, If you have questions or just need to talk about life with someone hopefully you can find my situation relatable and can talk to me. Consider me to be your online motivational Christian cyber buddy.          

                                                     Love, Natalie (AKA Kat).

Lets Begin

Dear World,

I’m Kat and I like to think I’m a pretty normal high school girl who’s a dreamer with too many dreams. I have 5 older siblings plus 2 in-laws and a nephew. Typical Caucasian with divorced parents (trust me it’s better that way).   I’ve got a best friend(who for an anonymous reason) name is Kit. Yes just like a KitKat we are very rarely found without each other. Kit and I meet when we were in 5th grade and haven’t been a part since. We basically have this silent language we don’t have to say a word yet we know exactly what we mean. We both have our own quirks and issues, but unlike most people, we embrace it fully. Kit has 2 brothers one older(who we barely tolerate depends on your definition) one younger (He’s my little dude love him to death).

Kit and I both are Christians and I mean we have a personal relationship with Him. I feel like God’s calling for me is to be a missionary, and I learn that doesn’t mean just overseas but you can be a missionary right where ever you are. Like it says in Matthew 28:19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit” I want the world to know God and I will help one gospel conversation at a time.

I often drown in my deepest thought not realizing I’m still on this earth at all just kinda floating somewhere in the middle. Recently I have found myself to be in prayer a lot, but its always about others never myself. Unless I’m asking God to help me help others. Being on vacation at my sibling’s house gave me a lot of time to think. I have come to realize that in order to help others I have to be willing to help my self. One of the ten commandments says to treat your neighbor as yourself, but I’ve been treating my “neighbors” better than myself. I’ve never really given myself credit for anything I’ve ever done because I’ve always thought that selflessness is the way to go. Slowly that selflessness turn more into self-nothingness, and I began believing all the lies Satan has in this world. I go to God like people say, but it honestly leaves me to feel even more empty because I have no reason to be yet I am. I’ve been doing really well lately and want to finally start to help others (if that’s what God wants me to do). I pray to find my identity in God and let him lead me. God has allowed me to start flying instead of drowning. I have been told that I have a gift it writing so why not use it for the reason God gave it to me. I want to start an Instagram where I post encouraging bible verses & inspiring quotes. I also want to post on this blog when I’m feeling down and show the world that it’s normal and okay not to be great all the time because we’re all human and we shouldn’t expect everyone to be perfect like God. For all those insecure girls out there, guys too WE ARE ALL HUMANS so why does everyone think otherwise we have to stick close to God and each other. Let’s not let Satan tear us down WE ARE STRONGER WE HAVE GOD. One of my favorite lines in the War Room( a great Christian movie I recommend watching) is “stop In the name of Jesus, everyone always forgets that Jesus part” everyone tries to fight their battle on there own and without Jesus, but let me tell you it doesn’t work, only with Him then can you have your victories, so stop hanging on what will be gone in an instant and cling to God who brings us eternity.  

If you have questions or just need to talk about life with someone hopefully you can find my situation relatable and can talk to me. Consider me to be your online motivational Christian cyber buddy.

                                                                                        Sincerely God’s servant,

                                                                                                                                Kat

Edited by Kit