Dear 13 year old me,
Life is going to be really hard on you. So I don’t even know where to start. You will go through unthinkable types of trials. Through and through. Your life will be filled with so much pain and hardship, but amidst all that pain. You will find a joy like no other, one that can’t be shaken. You will feel this joy in your bones. Just please remember that you have the power to find, and feel that joy.
I know right now everything seems so great, and that your always the happy go lucky girl. Don’t get me wrong I’m still that way, but to a certain extent. Life will happen, you still have to get through the years of highschool. Each year will come with it’s new and unexpected challenges. Somehow you will manage to get through them all.
Freshman Year will be a lot. All at once. Culture shock is real, plus you are very sheltered, more so than you thought. Not running all the time, (since you will choose not to do cross country) will play a bigger toll on you than you expected. You will be a healthy size, instead of a stick. It might play tricks on your mind, but we will discuss that later. Just remember those thoughts/voices DO NOT make you crazy. And they are just lies, you don’t have to believe them or listen to them. Danion will leave and you will be processing that. Ian will be traveling all across the world. You will miss him too, but mostly Allison (it didn’t work out). Kiley will ask you for relationship advice a lot, even though you don’t have much personal experience. Check up on her would ya, like deep talk wise.
Please be careful who you get close to. They have their own lives too. Oh my sweet dear child, you must remember that the pain is just temporary, and you can and must get help. Yes you deserve help, don’t believe the lies. Bringing physical pain to yourself only teaches you to cope the wrong way, which you will have a hard time unlearning. So please make it easier for the both of us. Don’t cut!! It’s not worth it.
Sophomore year will be good, for the most part, nothing crazy. Jacob will break up with Kiley. She won’t be too sad about it, at least that you will see. It will relive some of her anxiety though so that’s good. She will meet someone else, who’s kinda manipulative. He’s jewish so that was cool to learn about. Oh and you will like him first but, you’re better as just friends. Yes you will be jealous at first, but you promised yourself you would try to wait until college to date so you’ll get over it.
You remember those thoughts/voices I was talking about. Well going on winter retreat, and being around someone who just went through a break up. Who also happens to struggle with disordered eating related issues isn’t the best idea. But you will do it anyway to help her out. So you won’t eat for a week. Then you will meet someone, who you finally trust, to let down your walls with, plus she’s an adult so she can help you better. She will grow to be your favorite teacher in highschool, and you will have her for 3 years in a row (yeah PLTW!!). You will open up to her about your struggles, after you planned out a riddle for her to solve while sobbing in the tub and almost passing out. Our darling, Kiley is the one that will give you the tool, to find the words you need to express. Through a simple pinterest quote which has hyperlinked to a blog. That blog will put into words exactly what your mind was saying. BeautyBeyondBones will help you open up, most importantly realize you need help. You won’t get the professional help until Junior year though, because your counselor is amazing but doesn’t specialize in eating disorders. So you will find another one, who is just as artsy fartsy as you.
Junior year, will kick your butt. Lol Jk you will kick it’s butt. Your determination, and dedication, and strong work ethic will get you through. Yes, with a few break downs here and there. Mostly to a special teacher who gets you the adequate help you need.
Fools tech week, kinda what you imagine hell is like, but just not for eternity although in the moment it felt like foreeeeeveeeeeeer. It did not help that you were trying to lose weight again. And you will succeed because you’re determined, but too fast, way too fast. You won’t even be able to think or do well in school, because you starved your body. Darling you do not need to shed some pounds you are splendid just the way you are. Tell yourself in the mirror for those voices to shut up, and compliment yourself 3 times for every bad thing your mind wants to say to you. Remember that God created you uniquely like no one else so why compare, and judge his creation?
Spring time (lockdown) will bring a curve ball for sure, right from left field. School will shut down due to a virus from china. Called Covid 19 otherwise known as Coronavirus, or just rona for short. I don’t know how long it will last because I’m writing this to you right during another set of peak times. Unfortunately it will make the world kinda crazy. Between that and the election anyway. People will be going crazy for toilet paper. Weird I know.
Summer(quarantine) will be really great, you will have so much relaxing time. You might get a little bored. But you will fill your days with anything and everything art related, mainly art journaling. And facetime friends, on mom’s phone, when she isn’t working from home. You’ll get a job at a pizza place and you will love it so much. The people, the food, the atmosphere you will love all of it.
Senior year (part of it) you can drive. It’s been a long time coming. Oh and a phone too. Just set a time limit for certain apps, because we only live once, and you already always feel like you are running out of time, so use it wisely.
Lots of death, and heavy emotion will occur. And you will try to brush it off instead of greave, which will throw you in for a loop. Now I want you to remember this before I go on. My fate is NOT your fate. You have the power to make different choices for yourself, to ask for help when needed, and fight those lies, better than I have/did.
You might try to end your life. Like I did. It wasn’t one thing in particular mostly just a build up of things. It won’t work. Which in reality is want you wanted. You just needed the pain to go away and it wouldn’t. After all this time and effort and work you put in for it to go away. It came back. And strong too. You’ll get help soon enough though. And having counseling everyday for 5 days, is very insightful, but emotionally exhausting.
Advice, get help as soon as you need it. Challenge your negative thought patterns with 3 more positive ones. Getting help for yourself is not in no way selfish. For more in depth advice listen to my podcast
But most importantly stay close to God, you are deserving of his abundance of love just as much as everyone else. And when you have those thoughts, of wanting to harm yourself in any way, don’t let yourself be alone. You have the power, you don’t have to listen.